I guess I just wanted somewhere to talk about it; talk about what happened after I gave birth to Skylar. I'm not really sure why; I guess I feel like people that haven't actually been through it don't fully understand it. I found a website that talks exclusively about blood clots, has survival stories... something that I read that has stuck with me is that it is a life-changing experience. It sounds so serious and kind of crazy, but being a PE survivor HAS changed me. I used to have that attitude that I think a lot of young adults have- that bad things can't ever happen to ME.
To be honest, until the day I was diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism, I didn't even really know what it was. I knew women were at an increased risk for blood clots during pregnancy, but that's about all I knew.
When I started experiencing shoulder pain, I assumed I had pulled a muscle or something during labor and delivery. It wouldn't have been that far-fetched; with Aria, my labor was so long that by the time the epidural and the shock of labor wore off, my whole body was SO sore. The shoulder pain got worse and worse. By the end of the day, I was in so much pain I was in tears. I had tried everything.. tylenol, ibuprofen, icing it, a heating pad, and making Cord massage it incessantly. Nothing even touched the pain. I finally had Cord call my OB, even though I felt really stupid for bothering him. He recommended I go the the ER. The last thing I wanted to do was leave my house or my newborn; I had been working so, so hard to establish a good breastfeeding regimen this time around so that I wouldn't have to supplement with formula, and I didn't want to have to go spend half a day in the emergency room for a dumb pulled muscle.
I had talked to my mom a little earlier that day and told her about my shoulder pain and how agonizing it was. She sent me a link about possible postpartum complications, and told me she was really worried about it being a pulmonary embolism. I read it and thought, "Yeah right, that could never really happen to ME." Seriously. I thought that. I'm super mature.
The night went on and at 11 pm, when I was headed up to bed, I just had this thought, "I need to go to the hospital. I just need to."
Bless Cord's heart for rolling with my crazy postpartum punches. I informed him that I had changed my mind and we were going to the ER asap, and all he said was, "OK!" It was NOT fun taking a 3 day old to a germ-infested emergency room during the peak of cold and flu season. We didn't get her out of her car seat once, and the doctors actually recommended we get her out of there if at all possible. So my dad had to come to the hospital in the middle of a blizzard in the middle of the night to come get her, and she ended up having to have several formula bottles since she was away from me, which broke my heart.
Anyway, the doctors at the hospital told me they were assuming I just had a pinched nerve or something, but since I was only 3 days postpartum and was at an increased risk for blood clots, they were going to do a CT scan on my lungs, just to be safe. "Worst-case scenario" was the phrase they used.
As we waited for the results, I watched Netflix on the iPad and casually browsed articles about "Pulmonary Embolism". 'Life-threatening emergency', 'needs immediate medical attention', 'call 911', you know, scary stuff, kept popping up. Honest to goodness though, I wasn't at all worried. That kind of thing just didn't happen to me.
When two doctors and a nurse walked in, I knew something was up. The in-charge doctor told me my CT results were back, and I had several blood clots in both my lungs. I kind of just stared at him for a few seconds, and asked, "Are you being serious?" I'm really good in scary situations, people.
The doctor told me the treatment was immediate blood-thinners. I told the doctor this was a serious problem, because I was never supposed to be on blood-thinners, because I had a disease called HHT. In typical doctor fashion, everyone that wasn't Cord in the room gave me a blank stare. I was tempted to tell them to go google it (I always am), but I quickly explained that basically it just puts me at increased risk for serious bleeds.
As the doctors went to go do what I imagine they do, get a big team together to discuss an impossible problem with no clear solution (just like on Grey's Anatomy or House), I sort of went into freak-out-shock mode. Cord was freaking out a wee bit and I just turned on Netflix and told him I didn't want to talk. Like I said, I'm really good in stressful and tense situations.
The doctors came back after awhile, and told me I needed to be on blood thinners to save my life, but they would admit me to the hospital to monitor me.
They took me up to a room, Cord went home to get my stuff, I called my Mom and told her what was going on and that she may have my newborn for awhile, and once I was all alone, I had a really good cry. I was terrified. Was I going to drop dead? Was this the end? Was I going to leave my two little girls without a mom? Would I ever see either of them again? Would the blood-thinners work quickly enough to save my life?
I finally got a little sleep that night, and the next day I got to talk to a super awesome doctor that sat with me for 45 minutes and answered every question I had. He told me he wanted me to stay at the hospital for 3 more days and I begged him to let me go home to my little baby. He recommended I stop breastfeeding to be on a newer, less-complicated blood thinner, which I would have to be on for at least a year. I asked him if there was any other way, because breastfeeding was so important to me. Warfarin was my only choice with nursing, and if I did that I would have to give myself shots in the stomach for two weeks, go get my blood checked every couple of days for the first few weeks, and watch out for vitamin k foods (cause clotting). I decided all that was worth it, and I also ended up being able to go home that day.
It was hard. It was so so hard. My pain was intolerable and I was on constant Percocet for a week afterwards. I was constantly driving to my doctors office to get my INR levels checked. Giving yourself a shot in the stomach is horrific. On top of all this I was terrified that the clots wouldn't go away fast enough, or they would move, or get bigger, and I would drop dead. On top of THAT, I was dealing with being a few days postpartum. I was sleep-deprived and bleeding and trying to re-adjust to nursing and my hormones were wacky and it was seriously one of the hardest times of my life. If it wasn't for incredible friends and family that helped us so, so much, I don't know how I would have made it through.
And it has changed me. Every time I get any sort of pain in my leg now, my mind jumps to blood clots. I've realized bad things can, in fact, happen to me. If I ever want to have a baby again, I have to give myself shots in the stomach again, twice a day, the whole pregnancy and for six weeks postpartum. I'll be considered a "high risk pregnancy". Emotionally, I'm actually a little terrified to get pregnant ever again. I've also realized how lucky I am to be alive. There are so, so many people that die from a pulmonary embolism. Many die without ever knowing what hit them. The doctor said I was lucky, and that from the look of the CT scan, I had had a large clot that, when it got to where my lungs divide, had hit something and broken up into smaller clots, which was what probably saved my life. Whenever life starts to get me down, I have this sobering reminder of just how quickly it can all just end.
And now a PSA, especially for pregnant women! Or women on birth control! If you have pain in one of your legs, go to the hospital! If you have chest pain, shoulder pain, upper back pain in one spot, difficulty breathing, or you just don't feel "right", go to the hospital! It is better safe than sorry!
This was really, really long, and if you have gotten this far, thanks so much for reading! Writing this has been very therapeutic :)
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