I'm a lot different of a person than I was 5 years ago, and that really became apparent to me throughout this pregnancy. Where I used to be unendingly trusting in doctors and the medical world, I guess I've become a lot more skeptical of all that, especially when it comes to childbirth. There are a lot of things this pregnancy, labor, and delivery that I wish I'd done differently, and altogether it's made me look back on this delivery with regret, sadness, and disappointment. I know that what matters most is that Archer and I are both home and healthy, but I guess I'm still trying to work through things not going how I'd hoped.
After my PE postpartum last time around, I was determined to not get an epidural the next time because I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure I was up and walking and actively preventing a blood clot. I know epidurals don't cause blood clots, but in my mind it made sense to do everything I could to mitigate my risk factors. Plus, I had gotten to a 9 without any pain medication before, so why not go all the way this next time?
When I got pregnant with Archer, I knew I'd have to be on blood thinners from second trimester through six weeks postpartum. This alone makes labor and delivery more difficult, because they don't want your blood thinned while you're delivering, but at the same time they want you on a blood thinner as much as possible if that makes sense, ha.
About 17 weeks pregnant I found out I had gestational diabetes. My fasting numbers were the most telling sign; they were extremely high and out of control. Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to control the diabetes by diet and exercise alone, so I got put on an oral medication.
I continued to look into natural childbirth, all the while knowing that I'd most likely have to be induced, and I had heard from a lot of people that pitocin contractions are a whole different ballgame.
Near the end of the pregnancy, baby was measuring big but not gigantic, but my doctor still wanted to induce me at 38 weeks. This is where I wish I had stood up for myself a little bit more. My diabetes was relatively under control, the baby was healthy... so I wish I would have asked for more time before an induction.
I was scheduled for Saturday morning at 8 am, so my girls went to sleep at my parents' the night before, and my awesome sister even came from out of town to be there. At 5:45 am the hospital called and pushed the induction back "til they weren't so slammed". Cool. Are there any other moms out there that totally prefer spontaneous labor to an induction?? I was SO nervous! With both my spontaneous labors, there's no time to psych yourself up! So I just walked around my house feeling nervous til they called and told me I could come in.
The car ride to the hospital was a lot more pleasant than my spontaneous labors though. :) They got me into my room and without giving me any choice, got me strapped to monitors and an IV was put in. At this point I gave my nurse my birth plan, which I'm sure she was rolling her eyes at because it was pretty much the opposite of what happens when you're induced... ha. I asked to start with something else besides pitocin because I was hoping something else would be enough to kickstart my body into labor. I wasn't starting with nothing; I was dilated to a 3 and 70% effaced, but my nurse said the opposite really; baby was high up and my cervix was really far back. She told me the way they always do inductions start the pitocin and break the bag of waters. She said if I didn't want to be induced then I could go home. This almost made me cry and in fact I did cry later because I hadn't come to be induced for fun, I'd come because it was recommended for medical reasons. So she called my dr in special just to come talk to me. Basically I was made to feel like I got no choice in anything, they do inductions one way and one way only. So we went ahead with what they wanted to do. The upside to all this was they allowed me to labor being up, even though I still had to have baby monitored continuously and be hooked to an IV. They got me a special wireless monitor and a birth ball and let me use those.
I kept waiting for contractions to hit me, just walking around my room and talking to Cord and my sister, but they never really did, at least not what I was expecting. TMI, but I was feeling a little bit of cramping but mostly was just feeling pain in my butt. Also, my legs. I asked my nurse what this could be and she said it sounded like I was starting back labor. NOOOOOO. I had heard of this back labor thing and it wasn't good. I continued to try to find positions to get baby to turn into the right position so we could avoid the back labor, but he didn't seem to want to oblige. The pain was getting bad but it was SO weird. I was dilated to a 6, but my contractions weren't unbearable like they had been when I was at a 6 with Skylar. In fact, they didn't feel like contractions at all, just a whole different type of pain. At this point I freaked out a little. I had no idea if I could handle transition if I had back labor, and my biggest fear was getting to a 9, just like last time, and NEEDING an epidural, just like last time. Somehow in my mind, if I could avoid the circumstances of last time, I could avoid getting a blood clot. Does that make sense? Not really but it did at the time. So I decided to get an epidural right then. The anesthesiologist was super quick and was in the room before I knew it. It was the most painful epidural I've gotten. I don't know if I just wasn't in enough pain yet that the epidural feels like nothing, but that was definitely not nothing.
Almost immediately I started feeling HORRIBLE. Like, kind of like I was dying, horrible. I was having a hard time forming thoughts and speaking and I felt weak and dizzy and sick. Turns out my blood pressure had dropped considerably from the epidural, and honestly feeling that way was even worse than the pain of labor. They got me some medication to raise my blood pressure and that helped some, but I was basically bawling at this point because none of this was what I wanted. I wanted to go into labor spontaneously, I wanted a no-pitocin labor with normal contractions, I wanted my water to break when it was ready, I wished immediately more than anything that I hadn't gotten an epidural, I felt like no one listened to a damn thing I said, and I just wanted to go home.
The rest of the labor was slow and uneventful, and the best part was my mom bringing Aria to come see me before bedtime for a little bit. Oh and one more complaint against the stupidness of hospitals. You can't expect a diabetic pregnant woman to eat nothing but popsicles and ice chips for 10 hours or more. So I snacked on a muffin all day and I don't feel bad about it, not one bit.
Finally at long last it was time to push the guy out. I always thought it'd bug me if I had anyone in the room with me besides my husband but with this being my third, I honestly was fine having my sister there too. I pushed the little guy out in less than 10 minutes, and this time I remember feeling impatient between contractions, like come on let's get this done! I had made sure I didn't up my epidural meds at all so I was able to feel the pressure to push, and it was perfect. He was out and unlike my other two, he hadn't passed meconium in utero, so I got to hold him immediately! That was awesome. I couldn't believe how much hair he had!
My only other disappointment was due to complications little guy had while in the hospital. He had several low blood sugar numbers, a couple times where his oxygen dropped, and couple time where his temperature dropped. I just keep wondering; did he have these issues because he was two weeks early? Had I not controlled my diabetes well enough? Was it because he was induced? I don't know, and never will, but the whole experience this time around makes me feel a lot of sadness and disappointment in myself. I wish I would have gone with a midwife (side note, I don't even know if I really could have because of being so high risk), I wish I would have delivered at the University of Utah hospital (they seem a lot more hippie), I wish I would have pushed to be induced later, if at all, I wish I would have trusted myself more and gotten through back labor without an epidural... I just wish things had been different.
I feel like the tone of this whole post is pretty negative and I'm sorry for that. I really am so grateful that my baby is here and healthy and that despite my complications I had in pregnancy, he is ok. It's just interesting that the more labors/deliveries you experience, you know more and more what you want it to be like. And I think that's ok. It's ok that things didn't turn out how I'd hoped, and it's ok that it has taken me some time to be alright with how everything went down.
Anyway, this kind of turned into a novel; if you made it this far, thanks for reading!
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
2017
i have been so excited to start the new year! for the first time in like ever, i have made some solid, concrete goals for myself and my family. i mean, i always have some vague goals (eat more healthy, save more money) but we all know that setting goals like that doesn't do much good.
a few of them for this year:
-go to the temple once a month
we have been SO bad at this in the last year! it's hard. it's hard to find a babysitter, to find a time to
go, it's just hard! but we need to do better.
-more deliberate date nights
going on dates, especially once we had kids, kind of has become a thing of the past. once in awhile
we will go out if it's a special occasion, but usually we get so busy and wrapped up in work and
housework and parenting and the billion other things that claim our attention, that sometimes our
relationship with each other gets put on the back burner.
-screen time limits
ok sometimes i'm just the the best mom and let my 3 year old play on the ipad just a little too much. sometimes it's easier to let the ipad be the parent so that i can focus on other things. ugh saying that
makes me sound terrible. so anyway, this year i'm putting time limits on the ipad and
netflix/disney princess movies :) wish me luck on explaining that to little Miss Aria
there are other ones too, but one of the biggest ones is to focus more on the present, especially on my family. sometimes when i'm home with my two little girls i'm way too fixated on my phone, especially facebook and instagram. it's addicting! and sometimes the only way i feel like i'm still keeping in contact with the outside world.
so anyway, for this whole year, i'm only going to get on facebook and instagram once a week. i just need to be there for my two littles more, even in the "dull" moments of every day life.
a few of them for this year:
-go to the temple once a month
we have been SO bad at this in the last year! it's hard. it's hard to find a babysitter, to find a time to
go, it's just hard! but we need to do better.
-more deliberate date nights
going on dates, especially once we had kids, kind of has become a thing of the past. once in awhile
we will go out if it's a special occasion, but usually we get so busy and wrapped up in work and
housework and parenting and the billion other things that claim our attention, that sometimes our
relationship with each other gets put on the back burner.
-screen time limits
ok sometimes i'm just the the best mom and let my 3 year old play on the ipad just a little too much. sometimes it's easier to let the ipad be the parent so that i can focus on other things. ugh saying that
makes me sound terrible. so anyway, this year i'm putting time limits on the ipad and
netflix/disney princess movies :) wish me luck on explaining that to little Miss Aria
there are other ones too, but one of the biggest ones is to focus more on the present, especially on my family. sometimes when i'm home with my two little girls i'm way too fixated on my phone, especially facebook and instagram. it's addicting! and sometimes the only way i feel like i'm still keeping in contact with the outside world.
so anyway, for this whole year, i'm only going to get on facebook and instagram once a week. i just need to be there for my two littles more, even in the "dull" moments of every day life.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
pulmonary embolism
I guess I just wanted somewhere to talk about it; talk about what happened after I gave birth to Skylar. I'm not really sure why; I guess I feel like people that haven't actually been through it don't fully understand it. I found a website that talks exclusively about blood clots, has survival stories... something that I read that has stuck with me is that it is a life-changing experience. It sounds so serious and kind of crazy, but being a PE survivor HAS changed me. I used to have that attitude that I think a lot of young adults have- that bad things can't ever happen to ME.
To be honest, until the day I was diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism, I didn't even really know what it was. I knew women were at an increased risk for blood clots during pregnancy, but that's about all I knew.
When I started experiencing shoulder pain, I assumed I had pulled a muscle or something during labor and delivery. It wouldn't have been that far-fetched; with Aria, my labor was so long that by the time the epidural and the shock of labor wore off, my whole body was SO sore. The shoulder pain got worse and worse. By the end of the day, I was in so much pain I was in tears. I had tried everything.. tylenol, ibuprofen, icing it, a heating pad, and making Cord massage it incessantly. Nothing even touched the pain. I finally had Cord call my OB, even though I felt really stupid for bothering him. He recommended I go the the ER. The last thing I wanted to do was leave my house or my newborn; I had been working so, so hard to establish a good breastfeeding regimen this time around so that I wouldn't have to supplement with formula, and I didn't want to have to go spend half a day in the emergency room for a dumb pulled muscle.
I had talked to my mom a little earlier that day and told her about my shoulder pain and how agonizing it was. She sent me a link about possible postpartum complications, and told me she was really worried about it being a pulmonary embolism. I read it and thought, "Yeah right, that could never really happen to ME." Seriously. I thought that. I'm super mature.
The night went on and at 11 pm, when I was headed up to bed, I just had this thought, "I need to go to the hospital. I just need to."
Bless Cord's heart for rolling with my crazy postpartum punches. I informed him that I had changed my mind and we were going to the ER asap, and all he said was, "OK!" It was NOT fun taking a 3 day old to a germ-infested emergency room during the peak of cold and flu season. We didn't get her out of her car seat once, and the doctors actually recommended we get her out of there if at all possible. So my dad had to come to the hospital in the middle of a blizzard in the middle of the night to come get her, and she ended up having to have several formula bottles since she was away from me, which broke my heart.
Anyway, the doctors at the hospital told me they were assuming I just had a pinched nerve or something, but since I was only 3 days postpartum and was at an increased risk for blood clots, they were going to do a CT scan on my lungs, just to be safe. "Worst-case scenario" was the phrase they used.
As we waited for the results, I watched Netflix on the iPad and casually browsed articles about "Pulmonary Embolism". 'Life-threatening emergency', 'needs immediate medical attention', 'call 911', you know, scary stuff, kept popping up. Honest to goodness though, I wasn't at all worried. That kind of thing just didn't happen to me.
When two doctors and a nurse walked in, I knew something was up. The in-charge doctor told me my CT results were back, and I had several blood clots in both my lungs. I kind of just stared at him for a few seconds, and asked, "Are you being serious?" I'm really good in scary situations, people.
The doctor told me the treatment was immediate blood-thinners. I told the doctor this was a serious problem, because I was never supposed to be on blood-thinners, because I had a disease called HHT. In typical doctor fashion, everyone that wasn't Cord in the room gave me a blank stare. I was tempted to tell them to go google it (I always am), but I quickly explained that basically it just puts me at increased risk for serious bleeds.
As the doctors went to go do what I imagine they do, get a big team together to discuss an impossible problem with no clear solution (just like on Grey's Anatomy or House), I sort of went into freak-out-shock mode. Cord was freaking out a wee bit and I just turned on Netflix and told him I didn't want to talk. Like I said, I'm really good in stressful and tense situations.
The doctors came back after awhile, and told me I needed to be on blood thinners to save my life, but they would admit me to the hospital to monitor me.
They took me up to a room, Cord went home to get my stuff, I called my Mom and told her what was going on and that she may have my newborn for awhile, and once I was all alone, I had a really good cry. I was terrified. Was I going to drop dead? Was this the end? Was I going to leave my two little girls without a mom? Would I ever see either of them again? Would the blood-thinners work quickly enough to save my life?
I finally got a little sleep that night, and the next day I got to talk to a super awesome doctor that sat with me for 45 minutes and answered every question I had. He told me he wanted me to stay at the hospital for 3 more days and I begged him to let me go home to my little baby. He recommended I stop breastfeeding to be on a newer, less-complicated blood thinner, which I would have to be on for at least a year. I asked him if there was any other way, because breastfeeding was so important to me. Warfarin was my only choice with nursing, and if I did that I would have to give myself shots in the stomach for two weeks, go get my blood checked every couple of days for the first few weeks, and watch out for vitamin k foods (cause clotting). I decided all that was worth it, and I also ended up being able to go home that day.
It was hard. It was so so hard. My pain was intolerable and I was on constant Percocet for a week afterwards. I was constantly driving to my doctors office to get my INR levels checked. Giving yourself a shot in the stomach is horrific. On top of all this I was terrified that the clots wouldn't go away fast enough, or they would move, or get bigger, and I would drop dead. On top of THAT, I was dealing with being a few days postpartum. I was sleep-deprived and bleeding and trying to re-adjust to nursing and my hormones were wacky and it was seriously one of the hardest times of my life. If it wasn't for incredible friends and family that helped us so, so much, I don't know how I would have made it through.
And it has changed me. Every time I get any sort of pain in my leg now, my mind jumps to blood clots. I've realized bad things can, in fact, happen to me. If I ever want to have a baby again, I have to give myself shots in the stomach again, twice a day, the whole pregnancy and for six weeks postpartum. I'll be considered a "high risk pregnancy". Emotionally, I'm actually a little terrified to get pregnant ever again. I've also realized how lucky I am to be alive. There are so, so many people that die from a pulmonary embolism. Many die without ever knowing what hit them. The doctor said I was lucky, and that from the look of the CT scan, I had had a large clot that, when it got to where my lungs divide, had hit something and broken up into smaller clots, which was what probably saved my life. Whenever life starts to get me down, I have this sobering reminder of just how quickly it can all just end.
And now a PSA, especially for pregnant women! Or women on birth control! If you have pain in one of your legs, go to the hospital! If you have chest pain, shoulder pain, upper back pain in one spot, difficulty breathing, or you just don't feel "right", go to the hospital! It is better safe than sorry!
This was really, really long, and if you have gotten this far, thanks so much for reading! Writing this has been very therapeutic :)
To be honest, until the day I was diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism, I didn't even really know what it was. I knew women were at an increased risk for blood clots during pregnancy, but that's about all I knew.
When I started experiencing shoulder pain, I assumed I had pulled a muscle or something during labor and delivery. It wouldn't have been that far-fetched; with Aria, my labor was so long that by the time the epidural and the shock of labor wore off, my whole body was SO sore. The shoulder pain got worse and worse. By the end of the day, I was in so much pain I was in tears. I had tried everything.. tylenol, ibuprofen, icing it, a heating pad, and making Cord massage it incessantly. Nothing even touched the pain. I finally had Cord call my OB, even though I felt really stupid for bothering him. He recommended I go the the ER. The last thing I wanted to do was leave my house or my newborn; I had been working so, so hard to establish a good breastfeeding regimen this time around so that I wouldn't have to supplement with formula, and I didn't want to have to go spend half a day in the emergency room for a dumb pulled muscle.
I had talked to my mom a little earlier that day and told her about my shoulder pain and how agonizing it was. She sent me a link about possible postpartum complications, and told me she was really worried about it being a pulmonary embolism. I read it and thought, "Yeah right, that could never really happen to ME." Seriously. I thought that. I'm super mature.
The night went on and at 11 pm, when I was headed up to bed, I just had this thought, "I need to go to the hospital. I just need to."
Bless Cord's heart for rolling with my crazy postpartum punches. I informed him that I had changed my mind and we were going to the ER asap, and all he said was, "OK!" It was NOT fun taking a 3 day old to a germ-infested emergency room during the peak of cold and flu season. We didn't get her out of her car seat once, and the doctors actually recommended we get her out of there if at all possible. So my dad had to come to the hospital in the middle of a blizzard in the middle of the night to come get her, and she ended up having to have several formula bottles since she was away from me, which broke my heart.
Anyway, the doctors at the hospital told me they were assuming I just had a pinched nerve or something, but since I was only 3 days postpartum and was at an increased risk for blood clots, they were going to do a CT scan on my lungs, just to be safe. "Worst-case scenario" was the phrase they used.
As we waited for the results, I watched Netflix on the iPad and casually browsed articles about "Pulmonary Embolism". 'Life-threatening emergency', 'needs immediate medical attention', 'call 911', you know, scary stuff, kept popping up. Honest to goodness though, I wasn't at all worried. That kind of thing just didn't happen to me.
When two doctors and a nurse walked in, I knew something was up. The in-charge doctor told me my CT results were back, and I had several blood clots in both my lungs. I kind of just stared at him for a few seconds, and asked, "Are you being serious?" I'm really good in scary situations, people.
The doctor told me the treatment was immediate blood-thinners. I told the doctor this was a serious problem, because I was never supposed to be on blood-thinners, because I had a disease called HHT. In typical doctor fashion, everyone that wasn't Cord in the room gave me a blank stare. I was tempted to tell them to go google it (I always am), but I quickly explained that basically it just puts me at increased risk for serious bleeds.
As the doctors went to go do what I imagine they do, get a big team together to discuss an impossible problem with no clear solution (just like on Grey's Anatomy or House), I sort of went into freak-out-shock mode. Cord was freaking out a wee bit and I just turned on Netflix and told him I didn't want to talk. Like I said, I'm really good in stressful and tense situations.
The doctors came back after awhile, and told me I needed to be on blood thinners to save my life, but they would admit me to the hospital to monitor me.
They took me up to a room, Cord went home to get my stuff, I called my Mom and told her what was going on and that she may have my newborn for awhile, and once I was all alone, I had a really good cry. I was terrified. Was I going to drop dead? Was this the end? Was I going to leave my two little girls without a mom? Would I ever see either of them again? Would the blood-thinners work quickly enough to save my life?
I finally got a little sleep that night, and the next day I got to talk to a super awesome doctor that sat with me for 45 minutes and answered every question I had. He told me he wanted me to stay at the hospital for 3 more days and I begged him to let me go home to my little baby. He recommended I stop breastfeeding to be on a newer, less-complicated blood thinner, which I would have to be on for at least a year. I asked him if there was any other way, because breastfeeding was so important to me. Warfarin was my only choice with nursing, and if I did that I would have to give myself shots in the stomach for two weeks, go get my blood checked every couple of days for the first few weeks, and watch out for vitamin k foods (cause clotting). I decided all that was worth it, and I also ended up being able to go home that day.
It was hard. It was so so hard. My pain was intolerable and I was on constant Percocet for a week afterwards. I was constantly driving to my doctors office to get my INR levels checked. Giving yourself a shot in the stomach is horrific. On top of all this I was terrified that the clots wouldn't go away fast enough, or they would move, or get bigger, and I would drop dead. On top of THAT, I was dealing with being a few days postpartum. I was sleep-deprived and bleeding and trying to re-adjust to nursing and my hormones were wacky and it was seriously one of the hardest times of my life. If it wasn't for incredible friends and family that helped us so, so much, I don't know how I would have made it through.
And it has changed me. Every time I get any sort of pain in my leg now, my mind jumps to blood clots. I've realized bad things can, in fact, happen to me. If I ever want to have a baby again, I have to give myself shots in the stomach again, twice a day, the whole pregnancy and for six weeks postpartum. I'll be considered a "high risk pregnancy". Emotionally, I'm actually a little terrified to get pregnant ever again. I've also realized how lucky I am to be alive. There are so, so many people that die from a pulmonary embolism. Many die without ever knowing what hit them. The doctor said I was lucky, and that from the look of the CT scan, I had had a large clot that, when it got to where my lungs divide, had hit something and broken up into smaller clots, which was what probably saved my life. Whenever life starts to get me down, I have this sobering reminder of just how quickly it can all just end.
And now a PSA, especially for pregnant women! Or women on birth control! If you have pain in one of your legs, go to the hospital! If you have chest pain, shoulder pain, upper back pain in one spot, difficulty breathing, or you just don't feel "right", go to the hospital! It is better safe than sorry!
This was really, really long, and if you have gotten this far, thanks so much for reading! Writing this has been very therapeutic :)
stuff i love, stuff i hate
there are a lot of things that are making me feel smiley lately. here they are.
-when aria uses hand gestures to make a point
-"friends"
-really soft blankets
-apple crisp
-the smell of the heater the first time you turn it on for the year
-having a good cry
-catching up with people i haven't talked to in awhile
-any day it rains
-seeing newborn babies (i am soooo baby-hungry... somebody stop me!)
-back scratches
-target
stuff that's buggin...
-sid the science kid
-coming up with new exciting lunch ideas
-too. many. toys.
-how this election season has brought out the total crazy in some people. i mean calm down folks.
-those REALLY dumb youtube videos that aria is loving right now
-the word "hubby"
-any pants that aren't leggings
-my alarm clock
-teething
-target
-when aria uses hand gestures to make a point
-"friends"
-really soft blankets
-apple crisp
-the smell of the heater the first time you turn it on for the year
-having a good cry
-catching up with people i haven't talked to in awhile
-any day it rains
-seeing newborn babies (i am soooo baby-hungry... somebody stop me!)
-back scratches
-target
stuff that's buggin...
-sid the science kid
-coming up with new exciting lunch ideas
-too. many. toys.
-how this election season has brought out the total crazy in some people. i mean calm down folks.
-those REALLY dumb youtube videos that aria is loving right now
-the word "hubby"
-any pants that aren't leggings
-my alarm clock
-teething
-target
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Skylar's Birth Story
This may turn out to be a little long... sorry!
Let me just say that the last 4 weeks of this pregnancy were so much harder than my first. I don't know if it was because I was also busy trying to chase down a super busy two year old all day, or if it was simply because I'm older now (closer to 30 than 20 :/), but it hurt to walk; it hurt to do much of anything.
So anyway, on Wednesday, one day past my due date, I went to my OB and did an ultrasound, got my cervix checked (I was at nearly a 3), and had an NST for about 45 minutes. During that time I had about 3 contractions, so part of me wondered if the baby would come that day.
Cord ended up staying home the rest of the day, just in case. I had inconsistent Braxton-Hicks contractions all day, but nothing was really coming from it. Cord was putting Aria to bed at about 8:30 that night, and I was just laying down. When I stood up, I got a pretty strong contraction. After that, I started timing them, and they were coming about 10 minutes apart and were pretty painful. I changed into comfy clothes, turned on Netflix, and bounced on my exercise ball. After like 20 more minutes I decided this could be the real thing and called my parents to come get Aria. We packed up everything for her and my dad picked her up at about 9:30. I really hoped this was not a false alarm and that we weren't sending her away for nothing. I figured I'd better finish packing my bag too. I got everything ready and set it all by the door.
At this point, every contraction I would have to yell into a pillow ha. Labor is no joke. In pretty much no time my contractions changed- I was having a really hard time timing them because it felt like they were almost constant. I figured it was time to head to the hospital because I didn't really know what was going on. Cord ran around like a mad man packing his bag (way to leave it til the last minute Cord ;)), and I was mostly just dying. Haha.
The car ride was super fun. For some reason I was afraid that because of how quickly we were going in, they would turn us away. Luckily traffic wasn't bad and we got there pretty quick. They took me up to Labor and Delivery and triaged me, and I was already dilated to a 5.5! I was shocked. They got me into my room and started on an I.V. to start getting fluids in so I could get an epidural. The fluid was taking forever to get into me, and contractions were getting worse fast. I was having to start moaning through them, and I definitely got into that zone where you don't care who hears you and you are no longer self-conscious about anything.
My nurse started worrying that we wouldn't be able to get fluids in in time to get an epidural at all. UM WHAT. She told me about another pain medication they could give me that would take the edge off, but it would make the baby sleepy so if I was dilated past a 7 I couldn't get it. So they checked me and surprise, I was already a little past a 7. I was freaking out, Cord was freaking out, there was just a lot of freaking out. The nurse basically told me that I would be giving birth naturally. I had not prepared for this in the slightest. Contractions were pretty much horrid by now and I started crying because I was not at all ready for natural childbirth. They had a couple more nurses come in to start coaching me through contractions. They called my dr. to come in asap. I had checked into the hospital a little after 11, and now it was only a little past midnight.
My doctor got there and we talked about what to do next. They told me we could continue to wait for fluids to be done, then wait for the anesthesiologist, then I'd have to sit still for 10 minutes while the epidural was placed, then wait for it to actually kick in... or my doctor could break my water, things would pick up really quickly, and we could just get it done. I told them I didn't want to decide and someone else should just decide for me and everyone just sat there staring at me, so unfortunately I had to be the one to decide. I had gotten this far, and let's be honest, I didn't think I could sit still long enough for an epidural to be placed, so I decided to do it natural.
My doctor broke my water, and it was strangely relieving. Probably because that was a lot of pressure taken off me? I don't know. Anyway, I basically just waited for contractions to start getting a lot worse. And they were bad by now. In any other situation I would have felt awkward; 3 nurses, my doctor, and Cord basically just sat there while I wriggled like a worm during each contraction. I started screaming during one and the nurse told me I shouldn't do that. I thought she meant I was being too loud and disturbing others, but it was really because it actually helps your body to do low-pitched moans and grunts. Who knew? Not me because I hadn't done any childbirth prep! They kept checking me, and my labor just kind of stalled at a 9. A 9! I can honestly say that the pain I was feeling at that point is the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life.
Finally, they asked if I wanted to do the epidural after all. I yelled, "I CAN HAVE AN EPIDURAL NOW!? THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL!!!" They called the anesthesiologist and I couldn't wait for that giant needle to be inserted into my spine. Sitting up and sitting still to get it put in was pretty much the hardest thing I've ever done.
The good news is, as soon as the epidural kicked in, the baby moved down the rest of the way, I hit a 10, and it was time to push. It took 2 contractions to push her out, and I was done! She was naughty, just like Aria, and had pooped in the amniotic fluid, so they had to suction her before I could hold her. I couldn't believe how much she weighed! 9 pounds 10 ounces is huge. I got to hold her as soon as they suctioned her, and I fell in love instantly!
I learned a lot from my experiences with Aria, so there was some stuff I was determined to do differently in regards to breastfeeding and schedules and routines and other stuff.
Watching Aria meet her little baby sister was so amazing. She kept saying, "Oh baby!" and if the baby whimpered at all, Aria would tell her "It's ok, baby." She tries to hug her and kiss her all the time. She's also gotten really good at saying "Skylar".
Experiences in the past few days, weeks, and months have made me feel so eternally grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to these two sweet little girls. I had a hard time adjusting to being a mom with Aria's birth, but this time around, I am cherishing every moment I get to snuggle my baby. I never want to put her down. Aria has been spending time at both Grandparents' houses as I heal adjust to a new baby, and I have missed her like crazy. All I want is to have my little family around me!
Let me just say that the last 4 weeks of this pregnancy were so much harder than my first. I don't know if it was because I was also busy trying to chase down a super busy two year old all day, or if it was simply because I'm older now (closer to 30 than 20 :/), but it hurt to walk; it hurt to do much of anything.
So anyway, on Wednesday, one day past my due date, I went to my OB and did an ultrasound, got my cervix checked (I was at nearly a 3), and had an NST for about 45 minutes. During that time I had about 3 contractions, so part of me wondered if the baby would come that day.
Cord ended up staying home the rest of the day, just in case. I had inconsistent Braxton-Hicks contractions all day, but nothing was really coming from it. Cord was putting Aria to bed at about 8:30 that night, and I was just laying down. When I stood up, I got a pretty strong contraction. After that, I started timing them, and they were coming about 10 minutes apart and were pretty painful. I changed into comfy clothes, turned on Netflix, and bounced on my exercise ball. After like 20 more minutes I decided this could be the real thing and called my parents to come get Aria. We packed up everything for her and my dad picked her up at about 9:30. I really hoped this was not a false alarm and that we weren't sending her away for nothing. I figured I'd better finish packing my bag too. I got everything ready and set it all by the door.
At this point, every contraction I would have to yell into a pillow ha. Labor is no joke. In pretty much no time my contractions changed- I was having a really hard time timing them because it felt like they were almost constant. I figured it was time to head to the hospital because I didn't really know what was going on. Cord ran around like a mad man packing his bag (way to leave it til the last minute Cord ;)), and I was mostly just dying. Haha.
The car ride was super fun. For some reason I was afraid that because of how quickly we were going in, they would turn us away. Luckily traffic wasn't bad and we got there pretty quick. They took me up to Labor and Delivery and triaged me, and I was already dilated to a 5.5! I was shocked. They got me into my room and started on an I.V. to start getting fluids in so I could get an epidural. The fluid was taking forever to get into me, and contractions were getting worse fast. I was having to start moaning through them, and I definitely got into that zone where you don't care who hears you and you are no longer self-conscious about anything.
My nurse started worrying that we wouldn't be able to get fluids in in time to get an epidural at all. UM WHAT. She told me about another pain medication they could give me that would take the edge off, but it would make the baby sleepy so if I was dilated past a 7 I couldn't get it. So they checked me and surprise, I was already a little past a 7. I was freaking out, Cord was freaking out, there was just a lot of freaking out. The nurse basically told me that I would be giving birth naturally. I had not prepared for this in the slightest. Contractions were pretty much horrid by now and I started crying because I was not at all ready for natural childbirth. They had a couple more nurses come in to start coaching me through contractions. They called my dr. to come in asap. I had checked into the hospital a little after 11, and now it was only a little past midnight.
My doctor got there and we talked about what to do next. They told me we could continue to wait for fluids to be done, then wait for the anesthesiologist, then I'd have to sit still for 10 minutes while the epidural was placed, then wait for it to actually kick in... or my doctor could break my water, things would pick up really quickly, and we could just get it done. I told them I didn't want to decide and someone else should just decide for me and everyone just sat there staring at me, so unfortunately I had to be the one to decide. I had gotten this far, and let's be honest, I didn't think I could sit still long enough for an epidural to be placed, so I decided to do it natural.
My doctor broke my water, and it was strangely relieving. Probably because that was a lot of pressure taken off me? I don't know. Anyway, I basically just waited for contractions to start getting a lot worse. And they were bad by now. In any other situation I would have felt awkward; 3 nurses, my doctor, and Cord basically just sat there while I wriggled like a worm during each contraction. I started screaming during one and the nurse told me I shouldn't do that. I thought she meant I was being too loud and disturbing others, but it was really because it actually helps your body to do low-pitched moans and grunts. Who knew? Not me because I hadn't done any childbirth prep! They kept checking me, and my labor just kind of stalled at a 9. A 9! I can honestly say that the pain I was feeling at that point is the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life.
Finally, they asked if I wanted to do the epidural after all. I yelled, "I CAN HAVE AN EPIDURAL NOW!? THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL!!!" They called the anesthesiologist and I couldn't wait for that giant needle to be inserted into my spine. Sitting up and sitting still to get it put in was pretty much the hardest thing I've ever done.
The good news is, as soon as the epidural kicked in, the baby moved down the rest of the way, I hit a 10, and it was time to push. It took 2 contractions to push her out, and I was done! She was naughty, just like Aria, and had pooped in the amniotic fluid, so they had to suction her before I could hold her. I couldn't believe how much she weighed! 9 pounds 10 ounces is huge. I got to hold her as soon as they suctioned her, and I fell in love instantly!
I learned a lot from my experiences with Aria, so there was some stuff I was determined to do differently in regards to breastfeeding and schedules and routines and other stuff.
Watching Aria meet her little baby sister was so amazing. She kept saying, "Oh baby!" and if the baby whimpered at all, Aria would tell her "It's ok, baby." She tries to hug her and kiss her all the time. She's also gotten really good at saying "Skylar".
Experiences in the past few days, weeks, and months have made me feel so eternally grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to these two sweet little girls. I had a hard time adjusting to being a mom with Aria's birth, but this time around, I am cherishing every moment I get to snuggle my baby. I never want to put her down. Aria has been spending time at both Grandparents' houses as I heal adjust to a new baby, and I have missed her like crazy. All I want is to have my little family around me!
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
One
I know I'm a little bit late, but as Aria's birthday came and went, my mind was on how it had been an entire year of baby, and how I can't imagine life any differently now.
I think I can count on one hand the number of days since she was born that I haven't changed a diaper. (Thank you Disneyland vacation)
An entire year has gone by where I have had no idea how many hours I'd be sleeping each night..
I adjusted to being a stay-at-home mom- it was HARD for me. Still is, sometimes. But when I am playing with my daughter on the floor, laughing together, I say a prayer of thanks that I am able to stay home with her.
I learned what, and who, is really important in my life.
I went through the devastation so many moms feel when they realize that for whatever reason, they have to stop breastfeeding. I felt like I failed my baby, but deep down I know it was best for her.
I watched and felt my body recover from the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth. The fact that we are capable of it, and then can bounce back from it, is incredible.
I struggled with my self-image... I think most new moms do... or maybe it's just me? Ha. It's crazy that you can get back down to pre-pregnancy weight, but your body is just so DIFFERENT. Clothes don't fit the way they used to, and you just have to learn to accept those stretchmarks. They fade over time, but they will always be there.
I learned that life is, indeed, all about the little things. The first smile, after those exhausting first weeks, that make it all worth it. The first laugh, the first step... all tiny moments that make you feel so proud.
I've experienced a change in my marriage, in a good way. I'd be lying if I said having a baby doesn't make marriage more difficult, but it also makes it more sweet, more rewarding. Watching my husband become a daddy for the first time was a beautiful moment for me, and I thank my Heavenly Father often that I married a man that loves kids so much, especially our daughter.
It's been a year of putting someone else's needs before my own, and it's been hard, but wonderful.
I've learned more patience, felt more love, and experienced more joy than any other year in my life. Parenthood is truly the crowning joy of life, and I can't wait for the years to come.
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I think I can count on one hand the number of days since she was born that I haven't changed a diaper. (Thank you Disneyland vacation)
An entire year has gone by where I have had no idea how many hours I'd be sleeping each night..
I adjusted to being a stay-at-home mom- it was HARD for me. Still is, sometimes. But when I am playing with my daughter on the floor, laughing together, I say a prayer of thanks that I am able to stay home with her.
I learned what, and who, is really important in my life.
I went through the devastation so many moms feel when they realize that for whatever reason, they have to stop breastfeeding. I felt like I failed my baby, but deep down I know it was best for her.
I watched and felt my body recover from the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth. The fact that we are capable of it, and then can bounce back from it, is incredible.
I struggled with my self-image... I think most new moms do... or maybe it's just me? Ha. It's crazy that you can get back down to pre-pregnancy weight, but your body is just so DIFFERENT. Clothes don't fit the way they used to, and you just have to learn to accept those stretchmarks. They fade over time, but they will always be there.
I learned that life is, indeed, all about the little things. The first smile, after those exhausting first weeks, that make it all worth it. The first laugh, the first step... all tiny moments that make you feel so proud.
I've experienced a change in my marriage, in a good way. I'd be lying if I said having a baby doesn't make marriage more difficult, but it also makes it more sweet, more rewarding. Watching my husband become a daddy for the first time was a beautiful moment for me, and I thank my Heavenly Father often that I married a man that loves kids so much, especially our daughter.
It's been a year of putting someone else's needs before my own, and it's been hard, but wonderful.
I've learned more patience, felt more love, and experienced more joy than any other year in my life. Parenthood is truly the crowning joy of life, and I can't wait for the years to come.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
My Fast From Social Media
This has been something that's been on my mind for awhile now. Kind of like a leaky faucet; always in the back of my mind.
I don't know about you, but I have a love-hate relationship with social media. Facebook, Instagram, and blogging, to be exact.
I'll admit, me becoming a stay-at-home made these things a lot more appealing, since I basically fell off the face of the earth and lost all contact with the outside world. I'm sure any new mom can agree with me. Sometimes these things are the only contact I have with anyone besides my baby and husband like, all day.
There's nothing better than seeing a friend's pregnancy announcement, or adorable little baby.
Also, I love posting pictures of my cute baby.
Enter the hate part of my relationship with social media.
It's just become... unhealthy. There's no other word for it.
Social media has become the ultimate form of rejection and isolation. If I'm wrong than maybe I'm over-analyzing stuff way too much. :) I spend a ridiculous amount of time stressing out why so-and-so hasn't followed me back yet, or what's-their-face unfriended me, or this or that person hasn't "liked" my photo yet. There is a group of moms on Instagram that are like, the epitome of cool. I found I was spending way too much time poring over their pictures of their perfect children with perfect clothes and perfectly clean homes and perfectly-phrased hashtags. This is nothing against them-nothing at all. In all honesty I'm just totally jealous of them. How do they have time to keep such a spotless house and take their kids on all these amazing playdates and still have time to snap a photo of their OOTD? (Outfit of the day-no I did not make this up). I was comparing my life way too much, and that's just never a good thing to do.
When it comes down to it, I love my life. I have an amazing husband, a hilarious and adorable baby girl, two awesome puppy dogs, super great and caring friends, and an incredible family.
But I have been losing sight of that lately.
And if I'm being totally honest with myself, I haven't been the greatest mom, wife, or friend lately, and I'm going to go ahead and blame my obsession with other peoples' blogs, and Instagram, and Facebook for that.
Did you know that I amazingly spend a total of an hour and a half each day sitting next to Aria's highchair as she learns the art of feeding herself? It can get boring really fast, and I've found my eyes glued to my phone when I should be interacting with her. Especially when she's trying her hardest to get my attention. Cord has complained to me on more than one occasion that I'm on my phone WAY too much, and you know what? He's right.
The bottom line is this. Til the end of the year I'm done with blogging, Instagram, and Facebook. No more worrying about the people that don't actually matter, and focusing on the people that really do. I have a feeling that I'll become a lot more appreciative of the family and friends and life I do have.
I don't know about you, but I have a love-hate relationship with social media. Facebook, Instagram, and blogging, to be exact.
I'll admit, me becoming a stay-at-home made these things a lot more appealing, since I basically fell off the face of the earth and lost all contact with the outside world. I'm sure any new mom can agree with me. Sometimes these things are the only contact I have with anyone besides my baby and husband like, all day.
There's nothing better than seeing a friend's pregnancy announcement, or adorable little baby.
Also, I love posting pictures of my cute baby.
Enter the hate part of my relationship with social media.
It's just become... unhealthy. There's no other word for it.
Social media has become the ultimate form of rejection and isolation. If I'm wrong than maybe I'm over-analyzing stuff way too much. :) I spend a ridiculous amount of time stressing out why so-and-so hasn't followed me back yet, or what's-their-face unfriended me, or this or that person hasn't "liked" my photo yet. There is a group of moms on Instagram that are like, the epitome of cool. I found I was spending way too much time poring over their pictures of their perfect children with perfect clothes and perfectly clean homes and perfectly-phrased hashtags. This is nothing against them-nothing at all. In all honesty I'm just totally jealous of them. How do they have time to keep such a spotless house and take their kids on all these amazing playdates and still have time to snap a photo of their OOTD? (Outfit of the day-no I did not make this up). I was comparing my life way too much, and that's just never a good thing to do.
When it comes down to it, I love my life. I have an amazing husband, a hilarious and adorable baby girl, two awesome puppy dogs, super great and caring friends, and an incredible family.
But I have been losing sight of that lately.
And if I'm being totally honest with myself, I haven't been the greatest mom, wife, or friend lately, and I'm going to go ahead and blame my obsession with other peoples' blogs, and Instagram, and Facebook for that.
Did you know that I amazingly spend a total of an hour and a half each day sitting next to Aria's highchair as she learns the art of feeding herself? It can get boring really fast, and I've found my eyes glued to my phone when I should be interacting with her. Especially when she's trying her hardest to get my attention. Cord has complained to me on more than one occasion that I'm on my phone WAY too much, and you know what? He's right.
The bottom line is this. Til the end of the year I'm done with blogging, Instagram, and Facebook. No more worrying about the people that don't actually matter, and focusing on the people that really do. I have a feeling that I'll become a lot more appreciative of the family and friends and life I do have.
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