For this blog. As promised, here is my "other" blog. You know, the one where shiz gets real. So what might you read about here? Oh you know, my addiction to Mountain Dew, my biggest regrets in life, the journey of being a parent, spiritual stuff, and my lack of faith in society, which I discovered while working with the general public. Lucky you.
Today I'll talk about what's been on my mind as of late. Ok, I don't know if it's because I've got some untreated anxiety going on or what, but I feel so worried about my loved ones. All of them. Sounds dumb right? And it probably seems crazy, but I don't want to gain another person to love, because then I have to worry about them too. Does this make sense? Most likely not.
When I got married, I gained an entire new family to love and care about. And then I got pregnant, and learned about a whole new kind of love that I've never felt before, and it's seriously one of the strongest emotions I've ever felt. I had this little tiny human growing inside me, and she was MINE, and mine alone to protect. I loved her the minute I learned about her, and was willing to sacrifice anything and everything to keep her safe.
I'd read that some mothers didn't bond with their baby as soon as they were born, but this wasn't the case for me. Watching Dr. Spencer hold her up, I felt complete adoration. As I got stitched up, I just couldn't keep my eyes off of this new little stranger, who I was meeting for the first time, but somehow seemed to have known forever. When they took my sweet baby away because she was running a fever, I seriously would have gone after them if my legs were working in the slightest. That was the longest half hour of my life, waiting to hear what was wrong with her. Fortunately, everything turned out fine, but my goodness, I've never been so worried and protective in my entire life. I've never cared so deeply for anything.
I'd be lying if I said I never got frustrated with my newborn baby girl. There's only so much you can handle on a couple hours of sleep. But as each day has passed, I have fallen more deeply in love with my sweet little girl. It's crazy; you completely give yourself up for this new little creature that interrupts everything you thought life was about. Life's completely different now, but I can't imagine it without her.
When we went to get her first round of shots, well, I've never seen her cry so hard, and that's saying something. I nearly cried with her, because my heart literally couldn't stand seeing her in pain. It's crazy how you are more than willing to take that pain for her, in an instant.
And I have some sleepless nights where I sit and worry about her incessantly. God has blessed me with this most amazing gift, and what if she gets taken away? Could I handle it? I can't even picture what life would be without her.
On days when I think I need a little break from parenting and I leave her with her dad or grandparent, I start missing her within an hour.
I haven't been a parent for long, and I am certainly no expert, but I can already say that being this little girl's mommy is the richest and most rewarding experience I've had in life. Each day brings the sweetest blessings. Her happy grins first thing in the morning, when I'm able to make her giggle, her funny faces she likes to make, the great "conversations" we have, where I swear she is trying her hardest to tell me all sorts of things; I wouldn't trade these moments for anything in the world. Not for money, not for work, not for traveling the world, because THIS is what my life is all about. And I'd go through every little thing I've had to in the past year to get her here again.
Ok, this turned more into how much I love my little baby than anything. Ha ha, I guess that's what's really been on my mind lately. Thanks for listening!
